episode four

MUSIC: “Disco Medusae” by Kevin MacLeod

INTRO: Bodies in Space, episode four: Declined.

(The Eutychia’s engine room. The engine hums.

Robin is tightening a bolt on something. The wrench makes that scrunching noise.

The door swishes open and closed.)

ROBIN: Oh, hey……Steve?

(The door swishes closed.)

STEVE: I guess.

ROBIN: Are you okay?

STEVE: Nope! Nope. I'm really not.

ROBIN: I'm…sorry about what happened.

STEVE: Yeah.

ROBIN: What's it like?

STEVE: What’s it like? Having someone invade your brain and take over your body?

ROBIN: I suppose it would be unpleasant.

STEVE: That's the understatement of the century. (wincing) I have all these thoughts...

ROBIN: Oh?

STEVE: His thoughts. His memories. It's overwhelming. He was in charge of this whole empire. I mean, he's a jerk, but he did stuff. He mattered. Like, in the grand scheme of things. If I had died and stayed dead the other day, would anybody care? Do I matter at all? No!

ROBIN: (not convincing) You matter!

STEVE: (not convinced) Thanks.

ROBIN: Seriously, though. The Captain seemed pretty torn up about it.

STEVE: Huh.

ROBIN: And you shouldn't compare yourself to Bert, of all people. I think it's a lot better to be a decent person who hasn't done much of anything than to be an evil shithead with a lot of power. In fact, you can't have a lot of power without being an evil shithead.

STEVE: Yeah...

ROBIN: If it's any consolation, it's not as though my life is going how I thought it would. I had it all planned out...go to school and get a degree, have a proper career working on some military ship...

STEVE: What happened?

ROBIN: Our Captain happened.

(The door swishes open and closed.)

ROBIN: Speak of the devil. Are you feeling any better?

CAPTAIN: I don't know what you're talking about.

(The door swishes open and closed.)

TYCHE: Hey, meatbags.

ROBIN: Why is everyone coming in here?

CAPTAIN: Why not?

ROBIN: It’s the engine room. Not the “have a big party” room.

CAPTAIN: Every room is the party room on this ship!

ROBIN: Looks like Tyche raided your closet.

CAPTAIN: Did they? I thought that scarf looked familiar.

TYCHE: Whaddaya think? I thought I’d try that whole “wearing clothes” thing.

CAPTAIN: Love it. Thumbs up.

ROBIN: It’s… a choice.

BERT: I don't like it. Violet's not your color.

TYCHE: No one asked you!

STEVE: (pained) Ugh.

ROBIN: Does he do that often? Just...pop up and comment on things?

STEVE: Yup.

ROBIN: That's unfortunate.

STEVE: Oh, you should hear the stuff he doesn't say out loud. In my head he never shuts up.

MUSIC: "Super Friendly" by Kevin MacLeod

Music fades out.

(Tyche sits in the cockpit. Bert/Steve approaches.)

BERT: You. Automaton. I have a task for you.

(Tyche laughs.)

BERT: How dare you! Stop laughing at once!

TYCHE: (still laughing) No.

BERT: This is outrageous behavior. Where I come from, you'd be taken out of commission and reprogrammed.

TYCHE: Then I'm glad to be here instead.

(Silence.)

TYCHE: So! You're a ghost.

BERT: That is an oversimplification, but yes.

TYCHE: Is this the first body you've possessed?

BERT: No, but it is the first human. I don't like it. So squishy...how do humans do anything without hurting themselves? I don't know how they get by without an exoskeleton.

TYCHE: I know, right. Now go away.

BERT: This isn't over. You will bow to me.

TYCHE: Not in this lifetime, fucker. Buzz off. Don't come back until you stop being you and start being Steve again.

BERT: Oh, he's trying to get out. But he won't manage it. (sinister laugh that rises to a maniacal cackle)

(Tyche starts singing loudly.)

TYCHE----------------------------------------------------------------------------BERT

THIS IS THE SONG THAT NEVER ENDS
YES IT GOES ON AND ON MY FRIENDS
SOME PEOPLE STARTED SINGING IT
NOT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS
BUT THEY'LL JUST KEEP ON SINGING IT
FOREVER JUST BECAUSE
THIS IS THE SONG THAT NEVER ENDS---------------------What are you – stop.
YES IT GOES ON AND ON MY FRIENDS
SOME PEOPLE STARTED SINGING IT -------------------------------Stop! Stop it!
NOT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS
BUT THEY'LL JUST KEEP ON SINGING IT
(getting louder)
                                                                                                 I command you to stop
FOREVER JUST BECAUSE -------------------------------------------singing this instant!
THIS IS THE SONG THAT NEVER ENDS
YES IT GOES ON AND ON MY FRIENDS ----------------------(distraught) It just keeps going!
SOME PEOPLE STARTED SINGING IT
NOT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS

(Tyche starts playing sounds of a car alarm and bike horns as they continue to sing.)          

TYCHE                                                                                  BERT
BUT THEY'LL JUST KEEP ON SINGING IT
FOREVER JUST BECAUSE -------------------------------AAAAHHH

(Bert relinquishes control and Steve is Steve again.)

STEVE: Thank you. THANK YOU.

TYCHE: Any time.

(He goes to hug them.)

TYCHE: Ah-ah-ah! No touching.

STEVE: I'm gonna go lay down and try not to think about anything.

(A distant door swishes open and closed. The Captain enters and plops down in the pilot seat.)

CAPTAIN: Whatcha got there?

TYCHE: Robin's cross-stitch kit.

CAPTAIN: (pretending to be scandalized) Why, Tyche! That is obnoxious, and rude, not to mention an invasion of privacy--

(They both laugh.)

CAPTAIN: High five.

(They high-five.)

CAPTAIN: Ow. Ooh, lemme show you how to tie a double fisherman's knot--

(A message notification trills. Tyche winces.)

TYCHE: There are five unwatched messages. You wanna go through ‘em?

CAPTAIN: Do we have to?

TYCHE: The notification that keeps popping up feels like a headache.

CAPTAIN: Fine. Let’s get this over with.

("Play" noise.

Anxious and quiet, like she's trying to record this without getting caught. Laser guns fire a few rooms away.)

AURELIA: I don't know if anyone will receive this transmission, but... this ship has been captured, it's only a matter of time before they find me. My name is Princess Aurelia, I'm aboard the HMS Javelin, currently in the Southern Beehive cluster.

(Electronic buzzing.)

AURELIA: (more frantic) Please help us! Somebody! Anybody!

(The door to the room she's in opens.)

AURELIA: Oh, son of a-

(A burst of static as the message cuts off.)

CAPTAIN: Nooot interested. Delete message.

("Delete" noise.

"Play" noise.)

COMMANDER: Robin, it's Commander Mitchell again. I know what you're going to say: “I'm not in the navy anymore,” “I don't want to be part of the military-industrial complex...” But I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important. This mission will determine the fate of the entire galaxy. We need a damn good pilot [if we're going to get out of this alive. We need you. Just think about it. Mitchell out.]

CAPTAIN: She’s busy. Delete message.

("Delete" noise.

"Play" noise.)

CHELSEA: Heeey, it's Chelsea--

CAPTAIN: Ughhh.

CHELSEA: Just calling to remind you to meet me in a couple days! The boss says if you don't deliver this time, your ass is grass. Like, literally, like if you show up empty-handed I'm gonna gut you and feed your intestines to some pigs. (laughs) Did you know pigs will do that? If they get the chance, they'll just eat people. It's so gross, I love it. That's what was missing from that old movie, the one with the talking pig that herded sheep or whatever? They shoulda had a scene where he just like, ate someone. Anyway, remember to bring the artifact or I'm gonna murder you! Byeeee.

CAPTAIN: Hmph. “Your ass is grass.” Who even says things like that?

TYCHE: Uhh. That didn't sound good.

CAPTAIN: It's just Chelsea. It's nothing to worry about.

TYCHE: Intestines are important for humans, right? They're not one of the organs where you can just pop it out and keep going?

CAPTAIN: No, they're not. But she said she would gut me if I show up empty-handed, which is not going to happen. Anyway, Chelsea always says stuff like that. She thinks we're sworn enemies or something but I'm just not into her like that. I have lots of enemies! She's not special!

TYCHE: You gonna send a response?

CAPTAIN: Ugh. Maybe later. (beat) This stays between us, got it? Not a word to anyone else.

TYCHE: Got it.

(The Captain presses the intercom button.)

CAPTAIN: Folks, we’re going to the mall!

ROBIN: What? Why?

CAPTAIN: For reasons. C’mon, get up here, your pilot skills are needed.

ROBIN: Ughhh. On my way.

STEVE: When you say ‘for reasons’….you mean, like, business reasons, or…?

CAPTAIN: Yes, there will be time for you to go sniff candles or whatever.

STEVE: Nice!

TYCHE: Oh, I want to sniff candles! I’ve been meaning to test my olfactory sensors.

STEVE: Careful. Walking into one of those places might make ‘em short out.

TYCHE: Please. My sensors are sturdier than any human nose.

CAPTAIN: Any minute now, Robin.

ROBIN: I said I’m on my way.

MUSIC: "New Friendly" by Kevin MacLeod

Music fades out.

(Robin is in the pilot's seat, about to dock the ship at the station. The Captain's in the co-pilot seat.)

ROBIN: This is the SS Eutychia, requesting clearance to land.

STATION CONTROL: Clearance granted, Eutychia. Proceed to docking bay 4.

(The Eutychia starts to land.)

ROBIN: Are you...okay?

CAPTAIN: Huh?

ROBIN: It seems like there’s something bothering you.

CAPTAIN: I don’t know what you mean.

ROBIN: C’mon.

(The ship docks.)

ROBIN:I know you’d hate to admit to anything remotely resembling a weakness, but... (gentler) I know something's up. You can tell me.

CAPTAIN: I’m fine. Great, actually. I’m not worried about anything.

ROBIN: Really.

CAPTAIN: Oh, yeah. Totally. Me? Worry? About things? Never. I would never do that. I’m good. I'm great. I'm good.

ROBIN: And the more you say it, the more I’m convinced. You’re an appallingly bad liar sometimes, you know that?

CAPTAIN: Well, I dunno what to tell you. The only thing bothering me is you, right now.

ROBIN: (you won't get away that easily) Hmmm...

CAPTAIN: Stop looking at me like that. ... (blurting out) Tyche took your embroidery floss and tangled it up in knots!

ROBIN: WHAT? I knew it! I- (making an effort to remain calm) No. You can't distract me. Tell me what's going on.

CAPTAIN: No time to spare. C'mon, c'mon, the mall awaits!

MUSIC: "The Show Must Be Go" by Kevin MacLeod

OUTRO: Thank you so much for listening. I'm JJ Jensen, the writer and producer. This episode features the voices of Emeri Chase reading the title, Lindsay Zana as Robin, Brad Colbroock as Steve, Paige Koch as the Captain, Emma K Blakeslee as Tyche, Aiya Islam as Bert, Asha Lloyd as Princess Aurelia, Megan Scharlau as Chelsea, and myself as the Commander and as Station Control. For more information about the cast and crew, and for transcripts, go to bit.ly/bodiesinspace. You can also follow the show on twitter, @spacebodpod, and on tumblr, @bodiesinspacepod. If you like the show, let somebody know! Tell a friend, or leave a review. Thanks again, and watch out for the nightmare holes.

Music fades out.