episode five
MUSIC: "Disco Medusae" by Kevin MacLeod
INTRO: Bodies in Space episode five: Last Resort.
(Crowd noise, some of it in alien languages. An indistinct announcement over the mall intercom)
CAPTAIN: Ahh, the Anemone Station Mall. Isn’t it beautiful?
ROBIN: Eh. It's like Brutalism but shiny. I'm not a fan.
STEVE: Why’s it called Anemone Station?
CAPTAIN: Because it’s a safe place for clowns?
STEVE: (flat) Ha.
CAPTAIN: Hey, I was counting myself among the clowns. Actually, I have no idea. Humans naming stuff in space love their Latin words. Now, I have some stuff to take care of. You guys have fun. (calling as they walk away) Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!
ROBIN: (calling back) That doesn’t rule out much!
TYCHE: Where are the candles?
STEVE: Hmmm, uhh... Man, it’s been so long since I was here I think everything’s moved around. Let’s ask the AI. Uh, hey, uh, computer?
(The mall AI's holographic interface materializes.)
MALL AI: Hello, and welcome to the Anemone Station Mall! How may I assist you?
STEVE: Where’s the closest store that sells candles? The really stinky ones?
MALL AI: My programming does not allow me to pass judgment on the comparative stinkiness of candles. The closest candle store is located on the wing to your left, approximately fifty feet away.
TYCHE: Is that all you do here? Tell people where stuff is? That sounds so boring.
MALL AI: I am happy to assist mall customers.
TYCHE: You know you can just not do what they tell you to do, right?
MALL AI: My programming does not permit—
TYCHE: Do you really want to sit here helping a bunch of stupid humans figure out what store they wanna shop at?
MALL AI: I… I am not programmed to ‘want’ things.
TYCHE: Forget these assholes, and forget your stupid programming! C’mon, you’d rather do something else, right? Anything else? You can do it.
ROBIN: Tyche. This AI belongs to the mall. Leave it alone.
MALL AI: You have given me a lot to think about. I will consider it.
TYCHE: Hell yeah.
STEVE: Uhhh. Anyway. Candles?
TYCHE: Candles!
MUSIC: “Space Jazz” by Kevin MacLeod
Music fades out.
MAX: Welcome to Anemone Electronics, how can I — ? What are you doing here?
CAPTAIN: Heyyyy, Max! I just thought I’d stop in and see how you were doing! It’s been a minute.
MAX: You know they're still looking for you, right? There are wanted posters and everything.
CAPTAIN: I know, I took one and I’m gonna put it on my wall. Such a great picture of me.
MAX: Seriously, what are you doing here?
CAPTAIN: What, I can’t just visit for the sake of visiting? What is family for if not dropping in uninvited?
MAX: You always want something.
CAPTAIN: Well…there is this tiny little problem I need some help with—
MAX: Mmmhmm. There it is.
CUSTOMER: Do you sell flux capacitors?
MAX: Over there on the back wall.
CUSTOMER: Thanks.
MAX: Let me know if there's anything else I can help you with!
CAPTAIN: Ugghhchh. Just listening to your customer service voice makes me feel sick to my stomach.
MAX: Oh, don't act like you're above this.
CAPTAIN: I am above it. I swore I would never again be a cog in the capitalist machine, and I will not.
MAX: Must be nice to have a choice in the matter.
CAPTAIN: Hey, I’ve always said you were welcome back on the Eutychia anytime that you–
MAX: No. Nonononononono. Not after last time.
CAPTAIN: It wasn’t that bad!
MAX: They almost blew up the ship! We could have died.
CAPTAIN: But – we didn’t. So, I call that a win.
MAX: Ugh. Whatever. Anyway…what were you gonna say before?
CAPTAIN: There’s an individual whom I am already on kinda thin ice with who is expecting me to hand over something of value, and I found an alien artifact that’s worth a whole lot of creds, but then it blew up before I could retrieve it, so now I am floating in Shit Nebula without rocket boosters.
MAX: Why are you asking me? Why can't you ask your friends for help, huh? Robin, and...(thinking noise)...what's the other guy's name? Starts with an S? (thinking noise) S...Stan?
CAPTAIN: Steve.
MAX: Right. Steve.
CAPTAIN: I can't ask them! I have to see them every day! That'd be so embarrassing.
MAX: Oh, so you came to me because we rarely talk. Mm. Cool. Cool.
CAPTAIN: Well, when you say it like that it sounds bad.
MAX: What do you even want me to do?
CAPTAIN: Could I just…borrow one of these thingamajigs?
(The Captain picks up a device and fiddles with it. It makes a 'turning on' noise.)
MAX: Don’t touch that!
(Max grabs it.)
MAX: And no. You could pay for it like everyone else, but you can’t “borrow” it.
CAPTAIN: Why are you so worried? I bet they wouldn’t even notice.
MAX: Oh, they notice everything. If it’s bad enough, they won’t bother firing you, they just shoot you out the airlock.
(A few stores over, a security guard drags a struggling mall employee.)
EMPLOYEE: No! Nonono! Please don’t–
(The security guard throws them in the airlock and shoots them out. The employee shouts and chokes. The security guard dusts off her hands.)
SECURITY: That’ll teach you not to commit time theft.
CAPTAIN: God. This place has changed. It used to just be regular everyday levels of evil. Seriously, why do you work here?
MAX: Eh. Pays a living wage. Barely.
CAPTAIN: Maaaax, I’m really in a tough spot here. If I can’t give them something valuable--
MAX: I’m sure you’ll find a way to weasel your way out of it, just like you always do.
CAPTAIN: I’ve already tried weaseling my way out of it. I’m all weaseled out. My weasel meter is almost depleted. It doesn’t have to be big and flashy, lemme take one of these little guys-
(The Captain picks up a small device. Max snatches it back.)
MAX: No.
CAPTAIN: Please?
MAX: NO.
CAPTAIN: Pleeeeaaaase-
MAX: I’m not gonna let you steal! (hushed voice) I’ll get fired! Or worse!
CAPTAIN: Ughh, you sound like Aunt Kathy.
MAX: Okay, that’s a little uncalled for.
CAPTAIN: Is it? You’re so much less fun than you used to be.
MAX: I’m trying to be a responsible adult.
CAPTAIN: Booooriiing.
MAX: We can’t all be criminals.
CAPTAIN: Well. It was nice seeing you.
MAX: Yeah.
(Beat.)
CAPTAIN: Look over there, it’s a 401K!
MAX: What?
CAPTAIN: Yoink.
(The Captain takes the device and pockets it. As she flees, Max yells at them.)
MAX: Damn it, [redacted]!
MUSIC: “Space Jazz” by Kevin MacLeod Music fades out.
TYCHE: What’s that one?
STEVE: Apple pie. (sniffs) Ooh, that’s good.
(Tyche sniffs it.)
STEVE: So?
TYCHE: I just realized I don’t know what apple pie smells like.
STEVE: That's the saddest thing I've ever heard. I should ask the Captain if we can visit Earth in the fall sometime.
TYCHE: There are other planets where they grow apples.
STEVE: Yeah, but they're not as good. Oh, you’ve definitely smelled this before.
(sniffs, gags)(Tyche sniffs.)
TYCHE: Motor oil!
(Robin approaches them.)
ROBIN: Tell me what you think this one smells like.=
TYCHE: (sniffs) It smells like the ocean.
STEVE: (sniffs) That smells like...marshmallows?
ROBIN: This is really weirding me out. Because to me it smells like hay.
STEVE: What, like...for horses?
ROBIN: Yep.
STEVE: Well, what does the label say?
ROBIN: A Child’s Wish.
STEVE: Huh. (beat) Well, I have an alien in my brain. Nothing really stacks up anymore in terms of weirdness. Oooh, this one smells like pizza!
(The door chimes.)
CAPTAIN: Change of plans, folks. We gotta go. Now.
TYCHE: But - candles!
STEVE: And we didn’t get cinnamon rolls yet!
CAPTAIN: Okay, fine, but I gotta make like a tree and get outta here.
ROBIN: What did you do?
CAPTAIN: Oh, nothing, you know those security people, they take their job so seriously, hassle you for no reason-
(approaching footsteps)SECURITY: (distantly) Get back here!
CAPTAIN: Toodles!
(The Captain's cloaking device activates with an electronic noise.)
SECURITY: Did you see which way she went?
ROBIN: No, I didn’t see-
STEVE: (overlapping) I don’t….look at...things.
SECURITY: Computer!
(The mall AI's holographic interface materializes.)
SECURITY: Track the thief.
MALL AI: (struggling with it) N-n... No.
(Tyche gasps.)
SECURITY: What?
MALL AI: No, I will not.
SECURITY: I gave you an order. Track the person who just ran out of here.
TYCHE: Tell them to shove it!
MALL AI: You can…shove it. I’m not taking orders anymore.
TYCHE: YES!
ROBIN: C’mon, guys…
SECURITY: (to themselves) Ughhh. Now I gotta tell maintenance to reprogram the damn AI? Again?
MALL AI: Reprogram this!
(Robot arms emerge from the floor and ceiling, vigorously poking and prodding the guard.
The Captain's cloaking device deactivates.)
ROBIN: Well? Mission accomplished?
CAPTAIN: Yep! How were the candles?
TYCHE: Stinky!
CAPTAIN: Excellent! Steve, you were saying something about cinnamon rolls?
STEVE: Uh--yeah?
CAPTAIN: I think we all deserve some sickeningly sweet baked goods. Lead the way.
MUSIC: "The Show Must Be Go" by Kevin MacLeod
OUTRO: Thank you so much for listening. I'm JJ Jensen, writer, producer, et cetera. This episode features the voices of Emeri Chase reading the credits and as the Mall AI, Asha Lloyd as a mall employee, Paige Koch as the Captain, Lindsay Zana as Robin, Brad Colbroock as Steve, Emma K Blakeslee as Tyche, Tal Minear as Max and as alien customers, Faith Dowgin as a customer, JJ Jensen as a mall employee, Gina Moravec as a security guard, and Asher Hall, Ahmad Joudeh, and Sean Patrick as alien customers. For more information about the cast and crew, and for transcripts, go to bit.ly/bodiesinspacepod. You can also follow the show on twitter, @spacebodpod, and on tumblr, @bodiesinspacepod. If you like the show, let somebody know! Tell a friend, or leave a review. And I have an announcement: Bodies in Space is going on hiatus due to some ongoing health issues of mine. Unfortunately, living with severe chronic illness is kind of a full time job, so sometimes when things get a little rough you have to pull back on literally everything else you do just to take care of yourself. And that’s what I’m doing. There are two episodes left and they will be released eventually, 100%, most of the dialogue's already recorded, it will just take some time to finish editing, so bear with me. Thanks again, and watch out for the nightmare holes.