episode three

MUSIC: "Disco Medusae" by Kevin MacLeod

INTRO: Bodies in Space episode three: Surprise Inside.

(Robin and the Captain hoist Steve’s body onto a cot with a clunk.)

CAPTAIN: Okay. Somebody stay here with him.

ROBIN: Why? It's not as if he's going anywhere.

CAPTAIN: You don't know that. I've seen some shit.

ROBIN: He's dead. We checked. A lot.

CAPTAIN: You! Don't! Know! There’s some weird thing that always happens to dead bodies in space! When someone dies, it doesn't always stick.

ROBIN: What do you mean, it doesn't stick?

CAPTAIN: I mean it doesn't stick. They don't die properly, they come back. One of you stay here. I'm going to go drink until I forget this happened.

(Door swish.)

TYCHE: I have better things to do.

(Door swish.)

ROBIN: What, I don't have better things to do? I do. There are repairs that need to be made. I, uh...I have one of those cross-stitch things. I haven't actually figured out how to cross-stitch yet, but the picture on the package is very charming. (looking at Steve) She's out of her mind. You're absolutely 100% for sure dead.

(“Steve” stirs.)

ROBIN: Oh sweet lord, what even is my life?

BERT: Where am I?

ROBIN: You're back at the ship.

BERT: Whose ship?

ROBIN: You seem to have experienced a little bit of....uh. You died.

BERT: What are you talking about?

ROBIN: Your voice sounds strange.

BERT: Hm. That's new.

ROBIN: You're....you're not Steve, are you?

BERT: Of course not. First of all, that's a stupid name.

ROBIN: So...who are you?

BERT: There was a time when I ruled entire worlds. Everyone from one end of the galaxy to the other bowed before me. Now...I'm nothing. A wisp, clinging to existence.

ROBIN: I was going more for, like, a name.

BERT: Address me as Your Majesty.

ROBIN: That's not going to happen.

BERT: Your Highness?

ROBIN: No.

BERT: Fine. I suppose I've already sunk low enough. You may call me..... [static]

ROBIN: What was that last part? My translator didn’t catch that.

BERT: I said, [static]

ROBIN: Yeah, I don’t know what you’re saying.

BERT: Ugh, pathetic.

ROBIN: Wow, okay. I was gonna ask you what you want us to call you, but I can just go with ‘asshole’ if you’re gonna be like that.

BERT: Call me...Bert.

ROBIN: Bert?

BERT: I went through all the names this human brain knows. Bert seemed acceptable.

ROBIN: It’s not very regal.

BERT: How dare you! As if you have any idea what regality is.

ROBIN: And how is it that you came to, uh, 'cling' to Steve here?

BERT: I was trapped in that device. It seems I was transferred from one prison to another.

ROBIN: I see. So Steve's still...in there?

BERT: Yes, and he's quite distressed. He hasn't stopped screaming for several minutes. It's terribly annoying.

(Door swish)

CAPTAIN: (gasps) AHA! I told you! You didn't believe me but I fucking told you!

ROBIN: It gets weirder, Captain.

BERT: Hello. Former ruler of the galaxy, destroyer of worlds, currently trapped inside a worthless human meatbag.

CAPTAIN: How dare you! He's a nice man sometimes!

ROBIN: Captain, Steve is currently being possessed by some sort of alien spirit called Bert. Bert, allow me to introduce the captain of this vessel.

BERT: (derisive laugh) Really? You? Was the previous captain killed in action, or…?

CAPTAIN: Hey! I don't care how many people you ruled, now you're possessing one of my employees, and I will not tolerate insubordination.

BERT: What little authority you have means nothing to me, human.

CAPTAIN: God, this is just icing on the crumbling, falling-apart cake. All kinds of weird things are happening. Stars burning out way too fast, black holes, gravity going all screwy, holes into nightmare dimensions...

(Bert's influence over Steve sort of fizzles out for the moment with a little buzzing sound.)

STEVE: Holes into nightmare dimensions? There are nightmare dimensions?

CAPTAIN: Oh, Steve, you're back! Yeah, the less you know about that the better. We should be fine if we avoid the nightmare holes. Got that, Robin? Avoid the nightmare holes, jot that down.

ROBIN: I'll do my best.

CAPTAIN: And figure out a way to get this alien thing out of Steve.

ROBIN: (frustrated laugh) Sure. I mean, I'm a pilot and a mechanic, those are my specialties, but sure, I can try looking into this weirdness despite not being trained for it at all.

CAPTAIN: That's the spirit!

MUSIC: “The Show Must Be Go” by Kevin MacLeod

OUTRO: Thanks so much for listening. This is a text-to-speech voice filling in for JJ Jensen, the writer and producer, who is too ill to record at the moment. This episode features the voices of Emeri Chase reading the title, Paige Koch as the Captain, Lindsay Zana as Robin, Emma K Blakeslee as Tyche, Aiya Islam as Bert, and Brad Colbroock as Steve. For more information about the cast and crew and for transcripts, go to bit.ly/bodiesinspacepod. You can follow the show on twitter, @spacebodpod, and on tumblr, @bodiesinspacepod. If you like the show, let somebody know! Tell a friend, or leave a review. Thanks again, and watch out for the nightmare holes.

Music fades out.