episode two

MUSIC: "Disco Medusae" by Kevin MacLeod

INTRO: Bodies in Space, episode two: Lost and Found.

(Wind blows in the background.)

STEVE: Man, this is neat! I never thought - I mean, it wasn't that long ago that it took a lot of effort just to send little robots to Mars, right? But here we are, like it's no big deal.

TYCHE: Uh huh.

STEVE: So, what are we doing here?

TYCHE: (laugh) Fuck if I know.

STEVE: Why not?

TYCHE: Our captain is very secretive.

STEVE: You can say that again. I don't even know their first name.

TYCHE: It's redacted in messages and logs and stuff. She reeaaally doesn't like it.

STEVE: Anyway, you, of all people, should know what we're doing. Aren't you, like, the ship's brain or whatever?

TYCHE: Thank you.

STEVE: For what?

TYCHE: For referring to me as 'people.'

STEVE: Of course.

TYCHE: I'll answer your earlier question.

STEVE: Huh?

(Tyche plays a clip of Steve saying "Why is it so big?")

STEVE: Oh God no--just delete that. I'm really sorry. You don't have to-

TYCHE: Fulfilling a certain standard is important for humans, right? But I don't give a shit. This body seemed...sturdy. I was a little worried about going from the entire ship to a much smaller vessel. It's like if you took an ocean and tried to squish it into a paper cup.

STEVE: What kind of paper cup?

TYCHE: What?

STEVE: Like a cup-sized paper cup, or one of the itty-bitty paper cups?

TYCHE: What difference does it make? Cup-sized.

STEVE: Anyway, I'm...I'm really sorry about that. I didn't mean for it to come out that way. You know me, I just (laughing nervously) I just open my mouth and words come out and it goes…badly.

TYCHE: Yep.

STEVE: It's just. If I got the chance to pick my body, I'd pick a skinnier one, you know?

TYCHE: Why? There's nothing wrong with how you look.

STEVE: You think so?

TYCHE: (spluttering) It's...objectively true. Even if it weren't, the way you look should be the least of your worries.

STEVE: Hey!

TYCHE: Kidding. Man, you're such a weenie, it takes the fun out of messing with you.

STEVE: So...are we good?

TYCHE: We're good.

STEVE: You know what a handshake is, don't you?

TYCHE: Of course I do, dummy. It's just I've only had hands for like two hours.

(Robin walks down the ramp to join them.)

STEVE: Do you know what we're doing here?

ROBIN: We're retrieving...something.

STEVE: Something.

ROBIN: We're finding a thing for someone who wants that thing.

STEVE: Thanks for clearing that up.

ROBIN: That's as much as I could get out of the Captain. Believe me, I tried.

(The Captain walks down the ramp.)

CAPTAIN: All right, let's get going.

STEVE: Where are we going?

CAPTAIN: A place.

STEVE: What are we going after?

CAPTAIN: If I told you, I'd have to kill you.

(Steve laughs.)

CAPTAIN: No, seriously.

STEVE: Oh.

---

MUSIC:: "Pamgea" by Kevin MacLeod

Music fades out.

(Wind blowing, electricity humming. Robin and the Captain are out of breath.)

STEVE: Whoaaa…

ROBIN: This (pant) is what’s gonna kill me. (pant) Not other smugglers, or pirates, or space monsters, (pant) or an aneurysm. This is it. (pant) These fucking hills.

CAPTAIN: I (pant) dunno what you’re talking about. (pant) I could do this all day.

ROBIN: This was a mistake.

CAPTAIN: Come on, have I ever steered you wrong?

ROBIN: I have one word for you.

CAPTAIN: What?

ROBIN: Pigeons.

CAPTAIN: I said I was sorry about that!

ROBIN: Well, you can't apologize to the pigeons.

CAPTAIN: May they roost in peace.

(It takes Robin a moment to respond, furious over the terrible pun.)

ROBIN: No.

STEVE: What was this place?

ROBIN: Don’t look at me. I’m no xenoarcheologist.

CAPTAIN: This is one of the few intact ruins that the Martians left behind. They died out way before our time - nobody really knows how it happened. Or much else about them.

ROBIN: Ah.

CAPTAIN: What?

ROBIN: A paragon of virtue, as always. You're stealing from dead aliens.

CAPTAIN: And you're an accomplice, so...

(There's an alien artifact in the middle of the ruin. It hums and sizzles with strange energy.)

STEVE: What is that?

ROBIN: No, don't-

CAPTAIN: Get away from-

(The artifact electrocutes Steve, killing him, and explodes.

For a moment it is silent, except for the wind.)

CAPTAIN: Oh my god. Oh my god oh my god oh my god.

ROBIN: Calm down, all right? Deep breaths-

CAPTAIN: Deep breaths? Deep breaths?? Did you not see what just happened? He's dead. In front of my eyes, he's become roast beef!

ROBIN: Don't touch him, it could still be dangerous.

CAPTAIN: We can't just leave him here.

ROBIN: Is it safe to keep a corpse on board?

TYCHE: The body’s in a sort of stasis.

CAPTAIN: Oh, is that what that weird glowing is?

TYCHE: It won't decompose any further and it won't harm anyone.

CAPTAIN: You're sure.

TYCHE: 98.736% certainty.

CAPTAIN: Did you just make that number up?

TYCHE: Yes.

CAPTAIN: Good enough for me!

ROBIN: Is that weird alien tech what we came here for?

CAPTAIN: Yes.

ROBIN: There’s not much left of it.

CAPTAIN: Motherfucker!

ROBIN: Calm down, I’m sure we can find something else-

CAPTAIN: No, that one was one in a million. Damn it, Steve. So, who feels like carrying the stiff?

ROBIN: I'm not doing it. That's what robots are for.

TYCHE: Bigot.

ROBIN: That's literally what they're for!

TYCHE: For carrying dead people? I didn't see that in my manual.

ROBIN: For doing tasks the humans would rather not. Is what I meant.

CAPTAIN: SOMEONE has to pick him up.

TYCHE: Why don't you do it?

CAPTAIN: What?

TYCHE: You're always telling us what to do. Why don't you do it?

CAPTAIN: I can't do it! I am distraught! I was his mentor-

ROBIN: When did you ever mentor him?

CAPTAIN: Oh, you know...vaguely. Just by being around. Like a miasma.

ROBIN: Ah, yes, the age-old mentorship through miasma.

CAPTAIN: My point is, I am in no state for manual labor.

ROBIN: Uh-huh.

CAPTAIN: Hmm. Might take all of us anyway. C'mon. On three.

MUSIC: "The Show Must Be Go" by Kevin MacLeod

OUTRO: Thank you so much for listening. I'm JJ Jensen, writer, producer, et cetera. This episode features the voice of Emeri Chase reading the title, Brad Colbroock as Steve, Emma K Blakeslee as Tyche, Lindsay Zana as Robin, and Paige Koch as the Captain. For more information about the cast and crew, and for transcripts, go to bit.ly/bodiesinspacepod. You can follow the show on twitter, @spacebodpod, and on tumblr, @bodiesinspacepod. If you like the show, spread the word! Thanks again, and see ya in two weeks.

Music fades out.