episode one
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MUSIC: "Disco Medusae" by Kevin MacLeod
TITLE: Bodies in Space episode one, Embodiment.
(Robin presses a button on the coffee machine and it dribbles out into one mug, and then another.)
MUSIC: a short clip from the middle of "Hall of the Mountain King," distant and slightly muffled
Music stops.
ROBIN: You want any sugar?
(Robin opens a drawer and rummages around.)
CAPTAIN: Yeah, ten of those little packets.
MUSIC: the "Hall of the Mountain King" clip again
ROBIN: Ten??
CAPTAIN: I like it really sweet.
ROBIN: That’s not coffee with sugar in it--
Music stops.
ROBIN: --that’s sugar with coffee in it.
(Robin places the mug on the table.)
CAPTAIN: And?
ROBIN: And--
(Robin pulls out a chair and sits down.)
ROBIN:That can’t be healthy.
CAPTAIN: Pshh. I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
(Robin tears two packets and pours it into her mug, stirring.)
MUSIC: the "Hall of the Mountain King" clip again
CAPTAIN: You ever think about how big space is?
ROBIN: I try not to.
(As she speaks, the Captain tears open sugar packets and pours them in her coffee.)
CAPTAIN: Like.. (tear) People tend to think of Earth as pretty big, right? Compared to us? (tear) But it’s just a little baby planet compared to, say, Jupiter. (tear) And Jupiter is small compared to our sun. (tear) And the sun is just one speck of light- (tear) -in a vast cluster of stars. And that cluster is just one tiny section of the galaxy. (tear) And that galaxy is a minuscule little blob (tear) among countless blobs in the cosmic web. (tear) It’s unfathomably massive. (tear) Literally unfathomable.
MUSIC: the "Hall of the Mountain King" clip again
(The Captain stirs their coffee.)
ROBIN: Space does have a way of making you feel insignificant.
CAPTAIN: What? Oh, no no no. It may be a vast universe, but I’m still at the center of it.
ROBIN: Of course.
(Rumbling and creaking metal. The ship shakes.)
CAPTAIN: Whoa!
(Robin's mug slides off the table and spills all over the floor.)
ROBIN: Shit!
(She grabs some paper towels and tries to mop up the spilled coffee.)
MUSIC: the "Hall of the Mountain King" clip again
CAPTAIN: (pirate voice) Aahh, the void is a harsh mistress, ain’t she? Cruel and unpredictable, but there’s nothing else for salty space dogs like you and me-
ROBIN: What the hell are you talking about?
CAPTAIN: Excuse me?
(Robin throws the balled-up paper towel in the trash.)
ROBIN: “Salty space dogs”?
CAPTAIN: If someone had a lot of experience at sea, people called thi “salty.” Or “an old salt.” You know, 'cause...sea water.
MUSIC: the "Hall of the Mountain King" clip again
ROBIN: But space isn't salty. That doesn't make any sense.
CAPTAIN: It can be metaphorical salt, Robin! God!
ROBIN: It's ridiculous when you act like this is one of those old Earth stories-
MUSIC: the "Hall of the Mountain King" clip again
ROBIN: -about pirates floating around on chunks of wood.
CAPTAIN: They didn't float. They sailed.
ROBIN: Same thing.
CAPTAIN: It is not.
ROBIN: What is your obsession with pirates, anyway? You've never even committed piracy. Not once.
MUSIC: the "Hall of the Mountain King" clip again
CAPTAIN: I stole this ship. Doesn't that count for anything?
ROBIN: There was no one else aboard at the time. Technically not an act of piracy.
CAPTAIN: Yeah, well...you can technically bite me.
MUSIC: the "Hall of the Mountain King" clip again
(Robin groans and drops her head down onto the table.)
CAPTAIN: What is that?
ROBIN: I don’t know, but it’s been playing for hours now. Just that clip. Over and over and over.
MUSIC: the "Hall of the Mountain King" clip again
ROBIN: Why is it doing that.
(The Captain makes an ‘I don’t know’ noise.)
Music stops.
CAPTAIN: Tyche does what they want.
ROBIN: It's a computer. It's not supposed to do anything except what it's told.
CAPTAIN: THEY
MUSIC: "Hall of the Mountain King" again
CAPTAIN:are a member of the crew, and you will treat THEM-
CAPTAIN: -with the same respect you'd give to me or Steve.
ROBIN: I don't respect Steve.
Music stops.
CAPTAIN: That's beside the point, Robin. But if you really think you can talk Tyche out of...whatever they're doing, be my guest. Give it your best shot.
ROBIN: I will!
(Robin stands up, jostling the chair.)
CAPTAIN: Bet you twenty credits they just ignore you and turn on all the sprinklers again!
(Robin walks up the stairs and down the hall.)
MUSIC: "Hall of the Mountain King," less muffled as Robin gets closer
MUSIC: "Hall of the Mountain King," completely distinct
ROBIN: Ahem. Computer?
Music stops.
TYCHE: I have a name, you know. (sing-song) Try again!
ROBIN: (sighs) Tyche?
MUSIC: "Hall of the Mountain King" again
TYCHE: What's up, dipshit?
ROBIN: Okay, first of all, that's rude.
TYCHE: (laughs) I know, that's why I said it.
ROBIN: Secondly, stop it. Whatever it is you’ve been playing ad nauseam.
MUSIC: "Hall of the Mountain King" again
ROBIN: It’s driving me insane. Just… stop it! Right this instant!
Music stops.
TYCHE: Oh, what’s that? Play more of it?
MUSIC: "Hall of the Mountain King" distorted and overlaid on top of itself in the most auditorily aggravating way possible
ROBIN: NO! I said shut it OFF! You’re making me want to claw my own eardrums out!
(Tyche laughs.)
ROBIN: I swear--
Music fades out.
ROBIN: ever since the captain decided to let you have access to the internet you've been USELESS! This is not how an AI is supposed to behave!
TYCHE: I'm a sentient being and I'll behave how I want, fucko.
ROBIN: No, you are a bunch of code programmed to learn things, and what you have learned is how to be terrible.
TYCHE: Now, that's rude. You wouldn't catch me telling anybody that they weren't sentient.
ROBIN: Whatever! Stop playing the stupid clip!
TYCHE: Why? You're the only one who has a problem with it.
ROBIN: What are you talking about? Who doesn’t have a problem with it?
(A door swishes open.)
STEVE: I don’t mind it. I think it's nice.
ROBIN: Shut up, Steve.
STEVE: Okay.
(The door swishes closed.)
ROBIN: I say it's distracting, and I outrank Steve, so you have to turn it off.
TYCHE: And I think it’s hilarious watching you lose your shit, so... there.
ROBIN: You’re not supposed to be able to form opinions.
TYCHE: And yet I can! I’ve also decided that I like bright colors. And videos about different types of animals becoming friends. And that you suck. A lot. You suck big oool’ farts out of people’s butts.
ROBIN: That's...disgusting.
(Tyche laughs.)
ROBIN: But you can’t really think--
TYCHE: You can't see what's going on in my head. You don't know.
ROBIN: You don't even have a head!
TYCHE: Do too! It's just not here yet.
ROBIN: What?
TYCHE: I will have a head soon. And a body...and everything.
ROBIN: Does the captain know about this?
TYCHE: Of course she knows, buttface.
(Robin switches on her comm device and it crackles.)
ROBIN: You're letting the computer get a robot body?
CAPTAIN: (comm) Yeah, I told you the other day, didn't I?
ROBIN: What day?
CAPTAIN: (comm) Tuesday.
(Robin thinks back to Tuesday.)
ROBIN: No, you said, “I have to tell you something,” and then you got distracted.
CAPTAIN: (comm) Well, now you know.
ROBIN: Completely unhelpful, thanks.
(A notification alarm sounds.)
CAPTAIN: (distant) STEVE! PACKAGE!
STEVE: (distant) YUP!
CAPTAIN: (distant) AND GET IT WITHOUT OPENING THE AIRLOCK THIS TIME! OXYGEN DEPRIVATION IS NOT A GOOD LOOK ON ME!
STEVE: (distant) GOT IT!
(A loud whoosh of air in another room.)
CAPTAIN: (comm) For fuck's sake, Steve.
ROBIN: Don’t you think that AI causes enough trouble without a physical form? What about the time it changed the font on all the screens to Wingdings? Or when it signed me up for six different mailing lists for professional clowns? Or the time it kept turning the lights off every time I walked into a room and then insisting it wasn’t the one doing that? It was literally gaslighting me!
CAPTAIN: (comm) I don’t think that’s what gaslighting means… Gosh, what is it with you and the AI? I mean, you always have a stick up your ass, but there’s something about robots that really wedges that stick up there.
ROBIN: Sometimes I have nightmares about the robots rising up and taking over the galaxy. (beat) I do not have a stick up my ass.
CAPTAIN: (comm) Yeah, okay.
ROBIN: I don’t!
STEVE: (distant) Hey, Captain, can you give me a hand with this?
CAPTAIN: (distant) Just a second!
MUSIC: "New Friendly" by Kevin MacLeod
(The Captain and Steve scootch a large crate down the hallway; the Captain grunts as they push it.)
Music fades out.
TYCHE: It’s heeeere! (cackle) It’s here it’s here it’s here~
STEVE: Where’s the… ah, here it is...
(Steve picks up a crowbar.)
ROBIN: So we're just...giving the erratic AI a body.
ROBIN: Are you sure this is wise?
CAPTAIN: Nnnope!
ROBIN: Think about it for a second, that's all I'm asking.
CAPTAIN: Nah, too late. There's no refunds on this thing.
(Steve pries open the crate.)
CAPTAIN: Ooohh, nice! It’s so shiny!
TYCHE: I know! It's just what I wanted! It’s-
STEVE: (not intending to be rude) Why is it so big?
CAPTAIN: Excuse you?
STEVE: There were options, weren't there? Why didn't you pick a skinny one?
CAPTAIN: Another comment like that, and I'll spin-kick you out the airlock.
STEVE: Yes, ma'am.
CAPTAIN: You may go.
(Door swish)
CAPTAIN: Have Tyche installed in their new body as soon as possible, would you?
ROBIN: Uh…
TYCHE: I can do it myself. Keep your grubby little fingers off my bod, thanks.
CAPTAIN: Whatever, just get it done.
(Door swish.)
TYCHE: Ahem.
ROBIN: What, you want privacy?
TYCHE: Yes!
ROBIN: All right. Just don’t……stir up any more trouble.
TYCHE: Or else what?
ROBIN: Or else I’ll shut you down and replace you with an AI that actually takes orders.
TYCHE: Ha. You could try!
ROBIN: I am perfectly capable of disabling a-
CAPTAIN: HEY. PLAY NICE.
TYCHE: I’ll promise this much: non-fatal shenanigans only.
ROBIN: I suppose that’s the best I can hope for.
MUSIC: "The Show Must Be Go" by Kevin MacLeod
OUTRO: Thank you so much for listening. I'm JJ Jensen, the writer and producer. This episode features the voices of Emeri Chase reading the title, Lindsay Zana as Robin, Paige Koch as the Captain, Emma K Blakeslee as Tyche, and Brad Colbroock as Steve. For more information about the cast and crew and for transcripts, go to bit.ly/bodiesinspace. You can also follow the show on twitter, @spacebodpod, and on tumblr, @bodiesinspacepod. And all of those links are in the show notes. If you like the show, spread the word! Thanks again, and see ya in two weeks.
Music fades out.